There are lots of things that have to be factored into what kind of person you end up becoming as an adult. Your socio-economic background, your parents' socio-economic background, birth order, ethnicity, religious background, social conditioning...the list goes on, is endless, and very hard to memorize, which is why Sociology is not the best subject to pick for an easy A in your A-levels. Just sayin'.
Between Weberiansim and Marxism, which are the only two I actually remember a decade on, sociologists ignore a socialization of the third kind: Sitcoms. No? You don't agree? How many of you between the ages of 25 and 35 been labeled a 'Monica' or a 'Joey' by your friends? Exactly. I fancy myself a Chandler, in case you were wondering, and would totes date a Ross. Geeky fossil enthusiasts take note - no, not you, Crystal Harris! I mean real fossils! Like that gross snail-shaped rock your dad picked up on a hike in Hunza once. I have to say that being a kid growing up with parents who were gone a lot, the TV was my parents. My sister Zehra will kill me for saying this, as she fancies herself my parents as well. But let's just say for the sake of my story that the TV brought us both up, okay, Z? Zehra was a total Rachel, BT dubs. Always the hottie with the hot boys. If god hadn't made us sisters, we would not be friends.
Sitcoms have taught me loads of stuff, like when I get married my husband's no good brother will come live with us, and off us, which is why I made great friends with Ali's brothers. It wasn't so hard, they were great kids. They've taught me my parents can and will go bonkers one day. Too late for that one, sitcom mafia, mine have been a little off ever since I've known them. For instance, my mother insists on calling Yasmin and myself 'Bechari Bachis' and then laughs herself silly for about 15 years. My dad doesn't have a sense of humour, so thankfully we're A-okay on the humiliating jokes front there. He does know how to cut deep with his serious analyses of things though. How many of your own parents have told you you look like Sheikh Hasina Wajed? And I know, because of sitcoms, that it's okay if I'm broke and my job's a joke and my love life's DOA.
My friend Danyal has not benefited from all the sitcom watching though. For one, they've left him with an attention span which leaves a lot to be desired. If there's no punchline or laughtrack, Danyal doesn't want to hear it. He will literally fall asleep while you're talking. And I did not misuse literally here. Many a time I have been regaling Danyal with my stories, which are all very interesting, only to notice he blinked 20 minutes ago but never opened his eyes again. Thanks buddy. Wait till you're telling me about one of your Natashas or Sashas or Alaynas next. Watch me crack out my pipe and tobacco and copy of Time magazine. Just you wait. In case you wondered why all Danyal's girls have such exotic names, it's because they were born after the year '95 when normal names like Zainab became unhip. Okay, I kid. '90, maybe.
Danyal's a true romantic at heart, he loves long walks and candlelight, like seriously. And he comes up with these incredibly thoughtful gifts and surprises for all the ladies. Like once he dated this girl who was an actor, and he had a fake Tony with her name on made for her. But ask him if this is the one, and he'll say, 'yeah, I like her very much, but...'
Suffice it to say, Danyal is everything that petrifies me about men, and being friends with him means I'm forearmed and all those good things. Anyway, Danyal and sitcoms. Because if anyone has watched as much crap TV as me and listened to as much bad music, it's Danyal - and he is convinced of the truth of all the things he sees and hears, if Billy Idol is saying it, it must be true. However, because of all the pop music and pop television, he has a list of things he must find in a woman, and also must feel when he finds those things. What? So, what Danyal wants is to be like whoever it is that Charlie Sheen plays on that show with potential serial killer John Cryer, Two and a Half Men, and wants a girl like the chick from Big Bang Theory, who probably knows how to cook, and is smart but not a show off about it. Again, what? And he needs to feel the following:
The last bit's my assumption, but I'm sure he would agree. Between Weberiansim and Marxism, which are the only two I actually remember a decade on, sociologists ignore a socialization of the third kind: Sitcoms. No? You don't agree? How many of you between the ages of 25 and 35 been labeled a 'Monica' or a 'Joey' by your friends? Exactly. I fancy myself a Chandler, in case you were wondering, and would totes date a Ross. Geeky fossil enthusiasts take note - no, not you, Crystal Harris! I mean real fossils! Like that gross snail-shaped rock your dad picked up on a hike in Hunza once. I have to say that being a kid growing up with parents who were gone a lot, the TV was my parents. My sister Zehra will kill me for saying this, as she fancies herself my parents as well. But let's just say for the sake of my story that the TV brought us both up, okay, Z? Zehra was a total Rachel, BT dubs. Always the hottie with the hot boys. If god hadn't made us sisters, we would not be friends.
Sitcoms have taught me loads of stuff, like when I get married my husband's no good brother will come live with us, and off us, which is why I made great friends with Ali's brothers. It wasn't so hard, they were great kids. They've taught me my parents can and will go bonkers one day. Too late for that one, sitcom mafia, mine have been a little off ever since I've known them. For instance, my mother insists on calling Yasmin and myself 'Bechari Bachis' and then laughs herself silly for about 15 years. My dad doesn't have a sense of humour, so thankfully we're A-okay on the humiliating jokes front there. He does know how to cut deep with his serious analyses of things though. How many of your own parents have told you you look like Sheikh Hasina Wajed? And I know, because of sitcoms, that it's okay if I'm broke and my job's a joke and my love life's DOA.
My friend Danyal has not benefited from all the sitcom watching though. For one, they've left him with an attention span which leaves a lot to be desired. If there's no punchline or laughtrack, Danyal doesn't want to hear it. He will literally fall asleep while you're talking. And I did not misuse literally here. Many a time I have been regaling Danyal with my stories, which are all very interesting, only to notice he blinked 20 minutes ago but never opened his eyes again. Thanks buddy. Wait till you're telling me about one of your Natashas or Sashas or Alaynas next. Watch me crack out my pipe and tobacco and copy of Time magazine. Just you wait. In case you wondered why all Danyal's girls have such exotic names, it's because they were born after the year '95 when normal names like Zainab became unhip. Okay, I kid. '90, maybe.
Danyal's a true romantic at heart, he loves long walks and candlelight, like seriously. And he comes up with these incredibly thoughtful gifts and surprises for all the ladies. Like once he dated this girl who was an actor, and he had a fake Tony with her name on made for her. But ask him if this is the one, and he'll say, 'yeah, I like her very much, but...'
Suffice it to say, Danyal is everything that petrifies me about men, and being friends with him means I'm forearmed and all those good things. Anyway, Danyal and sitcoms. Because if anyone has watched as much crap TV as me and listened to as much bad music, it's Danyal - and he is convinced of the truth of all the things he sees and hears, if Billy Idol is saying it, it must be true. However, because of all the pop music and pop television, he has a list of things he must find in a woman, and also must feel when he finds those things. What? So, what Danyal wants is to be like whoever it is that Charlie Sheen plays on that show with potential serial killer John Cryer, Two and a Half Men, and wants a girl like the chick from Big Bang Theory, who probably knows how to cook, and is smart but not a show off about it. Again, what? And he needs to feel the following:
- Like he's found the key to open any door
- Like she's a candle in the window
- Like he'd hate anything to happen to her
- Like a virgin, touched for the very first time
The good thing about hanging out with Danyal is that I know which of my jokes will definitely work because he'll laugh. Otherwise he just yawns and says 'the fuck are you saying?' I'm very bitter about the falling asleep thing right now, clearly, but Danyal has been trying to explain it away as a Vitamin D deficiency. Okay, what?
I think there's a great article on Cracked about this, things movies need to stop teaching us about love or something. I should link it up here, but Danyal has all those ailments. And that makes me think, that maybe so do all of us. All of us watch way too much TV, as god intended, and listen to way too much music that makes us build our lives a certain way. I mean, Mr Tom Waites has convinced me I don't need a home as long as I have a head to lay somewhere. We're all looking for that big dream of fulfillment, which means we're never happy with what we have. I mean, what if the big dream involves your job in middle management and the person that keeps asking you out that you're totally meh about at best, but you're all caught up trying to be a literary genius with a proclivity towards men who like their accessories in metallic shades? Or maybe your destiny isn't to be known as the inventor of the toasted strudel but like, marketing? Jeez. The alternatives do not sound like fun.
Oh, and, Durkheimism. I remembered another one. This still makes no case for A-level Sociology.
